Fatigued and Frustrated Sums it Up!

"Lord, You know my inadequacies. You know my weaknesses, not only in parenting, but in every area of my life. I'm doing the best I can to raise my kids properly, but it may not be good enough. As You provided the fish and the loaves to feed the five thousand hungry people, now take my meager effort and use it to bless my family. Make up for the things I do wrong. Satisfy the needs that I have not met. Compensate for my blunders and mistakes. Wrap Your great arms around my children, and draw them close to You. And be there when they stand at the great crossroads between right and wrong. All I can give them is my best, and I will continue to do that. I submit them to You now and rededicate myself to the task You have placed before me. The outcome rests securely in Your hands."

We are really struggling with Eden's behavior lately.  It's a daily battle with her.  She's sooooooo strong-willed and determined to get her way that we have daily outbursts and tantrums over the tiniest "no".  

Today's naptime was really "norm".  Just the idea of naptime sent her into a full tantrum.  After half an hour of her screaming in her room, I was left feeling guilty and came to my computer in tears in search for "words of wisdom".  I found the above prayer and the articles on Focus on the Family's web site.  Wow...*sigh*.  Leaves me feeling much better, but as if I have a lot of work ahead of me.  

This so accurately described how I was feeling today.... 

"They planned to be such loving and effective parents, reading stories by the fireplace to their pajama-clad angels, who would then toddle happily off to bed. The difference between life as it is and life as it ought to be is a distressing bit of reality."

So I've sat here tearful and reading and when I read this it really hit me...When the parent consistently loses those battles, resorting to tears or screaming and other evidence of frustration, some dramatic changes take place in the way they are "seen" by their children. Instead of being secure and confident leaders, they become spineless jellyfish who are unworthy of respect or allegiance. 

Ouch.  That's totally me.  If anyone knows me, I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  Eden can just look at my face and know that I'm angry, displeased, etc.  I don't have to utter one word out of my mouth, though I never hesitate to assume she's reading my face as I know she is.  I somehow feel the need to overly explain.  Instead of just saying "Stop doing that"...I sometimes add in comments and things that are just simply not needed and only, I think now, hurtful to her.  

I've been sitting here, plotting plans, crafting ideas, trying to come up with better ways to discipline.  I need a sticker chart, I need something.  Perhaps that's all true, but I think the bottom line I hear from God is..."You need to seek me, Tiffany".  Sounds so simple and geez, even embarrassingly obvious.  Boy, did I need to hear it.  I rarely pray about how we're disciplining Eden and the decisions we make around her discipline.  Why would I think that God would be at the head of it if I haven't asked him to be?  Ahhhhhh!  So my "ah-ha" moment today, as Oprah would call it is - SEEK GOD FIRST.  Again, embarrassingly obvious, but I need to invite him into Eden's life in all aspects.  With the strong will that God has blessed her with, I need to ask him to especially be with her and us through our discipline.  

I trust that God will mold her and shape her beyond my abilities.  So true, the prayer, that He knows our shortcomings.  He knows our weaknesses and how AWESOME he is that He's blessed us with Eden despite them and will continue to blossom her into a wonderful little girl despite US!!!!!

I love her sooooo much and I thank God for choosing ME to be her Mama and allowing ME the opportunity to be blessed by her light.

In the midst of this, I can't help but feel guilt over the fact that Isla is so opposite her sister.  Because of that, I sometimes feel like I don't give her the attention she deserves.  During this season, Eden does require so much attention emotionally that i sometimes feel as though she gets caught up in the "background".  If I'm honest with myself and God, I thank God for her gentle nature and easygoing spirit.  I worry about her for opposite reasons.  I pray God will mold and shape her to be bold and courageous like her big sis.  Though all of that said, I know God has placed them as sisters for His purpose!  It's a delight to watch them together and I know she looks up to Eden so much. 

I pray God will help me to know her needs and to meet them as they come.  We're so early on the journey to finding out her personality as she begins talking and walking more and more.  It's an exciting time of discovery with her and I thank God for it. 

I'm just blessed.  I'm blessed to be called Mama at all, but certainly to these two wonderful girls.  I so often take it for granted.  I don't soak up every smile and every giggle and every "mama" called.  I pray that God shows me how to do that a little better in these coming days...as the time is now!  I know His plan for our little family is a good one!