Midlife Crisis?

I'm going to sound soooo mellow dramatic here, but I have to come out and face the facts.  I feel slightly as though I'm going through a bit of a midlife crisis.  I'll be 29 in 20+ days and maybe that's what's freaking me out slightly.  I have my two girlies, a nice roof over my head, a handsome hubby (whom I really don't deserve most of the time) and a new "career".  Maybe it's the career move that's sending me over the proverbial edge.  Since October 1st I'm officially a "Stay at Home Mom".  This is a dream come true.  I'm serious when I say this.  In high school, I used to have trouble picking a "major" or area of interest with the guidance counselor or when it was "career day" because I would think to myself "I just wanna be a mommy".  LOL...normal?  Probably not! :)  

So what leads me to this epiphany that I might be headed towards a midlife crisis?  I guess I'm feeling a little lost.  Ever since I was 17 years old, I've had at least a part-time job.  Many times, I had two jobs and worked at least 20 hours a week all through college.  I had to...no real choice in the matter.  I'm not bitter about it.  I actually think it's made me strong.  It's also made me very independent.  I have had a hard time adjusting to "life without boundaries"...as I'm referring to it.  What time do you have to be at work?  Hmm...whenever the kids wake up.  Even then, I don't have to get out of my jammies if I don't want to.  The freedom...oh the freedom!  I dreamed of this day, had it built up in my head as some day that would fall from heaven and glow like an angel.  In my dreams I would awake and be refreshed, productive, and fulfilled, feeling as though I had found my place, my true purpose, mothering in it's "entirety".  Don't get me wrong...I was a mom that worked outside the home for 3.5 years.  I don't have anything against it, but always felt like I was "called" to be a SAHM.  I felt like my inner Martha, Betty, and Mrs. Johnson were all waiting to be tapped into.  My days would be filled with heaven and happiness and fulfillment.  Did I say fulfillment?  And everything would be perfect.  I said, perfect.  

Perhaps my dreams were wild.  Perhaps they were far fetched.  Perhaps they were grandiose or exaggerated beyond reality.  All I know is, I'm not there.  Somehow, I've missed the ferry of transition from the land of the working to that wonderful manna-filled SAHM kingdom that I have always known God has for me.  So, I'm beginning to question myself.  Is this what God has for me?  Perhaps it's that I don't have a routine of any sort going on.  I thrive on routine and organization and really don't have one yet.  So i spend a lot of time thinking up big plans and getting really excited about them, only then not to follow through.  My friend L and I decided that we'd start a "Craft Business", yep that's how far we got.  We couldn't really decide or commit to what we'd be making, for certain.  We did agree it'd be "crafty".  We think of lofty ideas and plans that seem "So simple" and we always agree that it looks "So easy", yet our products have yet to see the light of day.  

I'm not sure where the time goes most days.  I'm left at the end of the day feeling like I'm happy if I haven't caused any bodily harm to my children and maybe remembered to throw in a vegetable, say at least one prayer, and keep the dog from licking up so many crumbs off the floor.  

Do I have what it takes?  I've really wanted to homeschool for a while and can't seem to get my act together at all. 

All of this leads me to one point, I suppose.  I think I'm spending too much time (perhaps this blog is proof!) focusing on what I'm NOT doing. I'm focusing on what's not getting done.  So much so, that it foils my plans for what could be done.  Maybe?  Well I'm sure that's the ticket.  I'll just start being more positive and surely things will shape up.  Why, I'm sure by next week, I'll have lost 5lbs, started an exercise routine, developed a cleaning schedule, mastered quick and inexpensive dinners, developed 10lbs more of patience, created homeschool materials, taught the dog that her poop is for the grass not the carpet, and all the while kept my husband satisfied in bed!  Bahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  

Well, if that's not a good laugh, I don't know what is!  

Maybe I'll take one day at a time....one step at a time, for now.  :)