My inner June

As modern a woman as I am...there's still a small June Clever that is deep inside.  I have moments where I dream of filling my days with baking the prettiest cupcakes in the preschool class, taking weekly trips to the library, and making my toilet bowl sparkle at least once a week.  The sad truth is that I'm not sure my toilet bowl has ever sparkled.  Why is it that I have this unfulfilled desire?  Is it just innately in us as women?  Despite having said all this, there's a sense of pride that comes with completing my job and completing it well.  Knowing that you'll be missed when you leave or people will depend on notes that you leave for the person that succeeds you.  There's a little prideful thought that no one can do my job quite the way I can or dare I say it, no one can do it as well as I can.  There's a minuscule thought that the program just won't be at its best without me.  

When I read that aloud or dare say it aloud, it's quite laughable, actually.  The fact of the matter is I'm totally replaceable.  If I put my notice in today, despite their distraught looks or words of despair...the world will go on.  Months after I'm gone, my name may never be mentioned again.  

Mommyhood, on the other hand is a totally irreplaceable position.  If I died tomorrow, I'm sure Christian could find an acceptable woman who might love and cherish my children...but not the way I would.  Nor could she...ever.  

With that said - is my desire to stay home and have a sparkly toilet and lovely class cupcakes a path I want to take?  It's frightening to leave the "working" world for a whole new working world.  Can I live up to the expectations I have for myself as a June wannabe?  If I don't, then what?  

For the last 3 years I've defined myself as a "working mom" and perhaps made some excuses for myself in light of my 'situation'.  Are my expectations too high?  Will I be bored? Will I be overwhelmed? Will I have a life outside the home? 

Here's hoping that my sunshine-filled notion of park outings, decorated cupcakes, and sparkly toilets isn't asking too much of myself.  While some women may be afraid to work outside the home, wondering if they can juggle everything that encompasses 'Mommydom' and their j-o-b...I'm wondering...'Am I woman enough'?  'Have I got what it takes to be June?'  'Is June even ideal or furthermore attainable in 2010?'